What is a shadow?

As we are driving through North Carolina on our way to Myrtle Beach for my sister's wedding, I began thinking of what we were doing last year on the 4th of July.  My sister, her fiance, his daughter and her kiddos came up from SC to stay at my dad's "river house" as a one last get together.  They were in the process of selling to retire to Tennessee, so we knew this would probably be the last time we were all together there.

"The river" is a huge part of my life.  I grew up spending the weekends boating, swimming and skiing on the Muskingum river with my sister and my dad.  My dad's friends at the river are considered part of the family - my aunts and uncles.  They have been there for graduations, marraiges, births and deaths. When I had kids, I wanted them to experience the magic of "the river" as well.  We didn't go every weekend, but a few times every summer and everyone looked forward to it.

It turns out, July 4, 2014 would be the last time we were all together in the same place.  I remember sitting out on the lawn when my sister introduced the game "bullshit" to the kids (renamed bullcrap).  We played and played and had great time.  We all did.  I remember Dylan laughing as we played.  He was really good at the game *a little too good.

However, my memories are different now because of the grief shadow.  I've been asked what this means.  Why is it called a shadow?

Imagine sitting out in the yard on a cool day.  Naturally you find a nice sunny spot and you feel great.  While sitting there, you see the shadow of the oak tree on the grass nearby.  You can see the outline of each leaf fluttering in the wind.  It is a monochromatic copy of the tree, not nearly as magnificient as the original.  While daydreaming, you watch the shadow creep closer and closer as the Earth turns and the sun's angle changes the position of the shadow.  Eventually it catches up with you, and you feel chilled.  You move a little to be back in the warmth and light of the sun, but the shadow catches up to you again.

The memories of the past and the experiences of today are shadowed by grief.  The details are all there, but the wonder and majesty of the experience has been dulled.  For example, my memories of last 4th of July would normally warm my heart. Now, as I remember the fun, I also experience the pain of grief as I think of Dylan not being with us this year.  Of the loss.  Of the heartache.  And tears sting my eyes and my throat aches with cries of a loss so deep it shadows every aspect of existence.

Sometimes I find the edge of the shadow where the light is a little brighter, but it always catches up to me.

Often, people say to me, "I think of you often, I just don't know what to say."  Believe me, I wouldn't know what to say either.  There are no words that could ease this pain.  One thing that does help is to let me talk about him, his personality, the memories and my feelings without it being awkward.  We talk about Dylan often in our house.  He is still part of our lives.  You don't have to ask how I'm doing.  Honestly, it is very difficult for me to answer this.  I spend a lot of energy trying to keep myself together and answering that can quickly bring on the tears (depending on the day/time/minute).  Especially in a public place or social setting.  I've had experiences such that just the mention of Dylan's name instantly stops the conversation and brings on very awkward silence.  That is hard and it honestly hurts.

So we are headed to the beach for the 4th with the whole family, and the absence of Dylan is almost unbearable.  Yesterday when we stopped at Panera, and I approached our table to sit, it just didn't feel right.  We were all there, except Dylan.  Although he is always with me, us, in our hearts, his physical absence is always felt.

Enjoiy your 4th.  Enjoy your family - even the ones that drive you nuts.  Be safe.  And be kind.