Have you ever seen the movie "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", or even read the book? (By the way, this is a case in which I prefer the movie.) Essentially, four girls have been best friends since birth, because their mothers met in Lamaze class and they were all born within a day of each other. The four girls are very different from each other, and represent the archetypal teenager: 1) Latino girl who's parents got divorced and dad left and started a new family in another state, 2) beautiful blonde athlete who's mom took her own life and she is left with a disconnected dad, 3) the intelligent artist that doesn't know how beautiful she is, 4) the gloomy, anti-social girl with an in-tact family, but mom and dad had "late in life" kids. While looking for some clothes for one of the girls to take on a trip to Greece in a thrift store, the girls stumble on a pair of jeans that fits every one of them perfectly, even though they have very different body styles (tall and thin, short and curvy, athletic). They decide to send these pants to each other over the summer, since it is the first summer they will be spending apart, with a letter of the adventures of the "traveling pants".
Why am I telling you this? I had a similar experience this week. I was going through a trunk of Dylan's things, getting rid of some of the empty boxes and condensing some others, so I could add other things to the trunk. There were some shorts that Zach could use, and some other things that Seth could use. I wanted to save these things until they were ready for this step, and it seems they had reached this point. I pulled out a pair of Dylan's jeans and Zach said that there was no way they could fit him. I held them up and decided to put them on, but at the same time saying to Seth "there is no way these will fit me, because boys' jeans don't allow for my girly thighs." As I pulled them up, they went easily over my thighs and I laughed, then they went over my hips and I was shocked, I buttoned and zipped them and I cried. They fit! Perfectly! WHAT?!? I can't tell you how comforting it was to wear those jeans. I put my hands in the pockets and found a big hole in the right one, and usually, this would bother me and I'd sew it up as soon as possible; however, now it is a reminder of his presence. I've worn the pants every day since.
This month has been terribly difficult. August 20th is the last day I saw Dylan alive, the last day I spoke to him. It is also my oldest's birthday, and then Seth's is the 21st. In the midst of enduring the day, we also wanted to celebrate our other children. Every year for the last 12 years we have had a birthday party for all 4 of our boys, because they all had summer birthdays, except last year. This year we had a small celebration, but we kept the tradition that each boy got his own special cake, and Grandma Susie wanted to make Dylan's favorite Reece Cup cake. But we couldn't have his cake and not blow out a candle for him! So we had Dylan's best friend stand in for him in our tradition, making him part of our day - and it felt a little more complete.
How did I make it through the day? With support from countless friends and family. You see, Dylan was a troubled soul from the day he was born. Life was very hard for him. On August 20th, 2014, his struggle for existence and his lifelong journey of pain ended - and he was released and able to be happy for the first time. While I ache for him, I believe he is truly in a better place now. After all, I made it through 365 days, I could make it through one more.
Now we are on to year two. As Zach said, we can no longer say, "a year ago, I remember doing (this) with him". It is a sad realization. Grief never ends, it just changes color.
Thank you to everyone that sent notes, texts or messages of encouragement in the last week. Your thoughts have truly been a source of strength and encouragement.
