I'm exhausted...

Sometimes the words aren't there.  Or I'm afraid to say them.  Either way, it contributes to my silence. 

You see this picture?  I look happy, don't I?  I mean, I just got 2nd in a triathlon (in my age group), wouldn't anybody be happy?  And I was for a moment.  Then I thought, "Wow, how can I be happy about a stupid triathlon?  I'm missing a child, how can I ever be happy again?" 

I know Dylan would not want me to never be happy again.  I really do know that, but how do you tell your heart that?  I've read all about survivor's guilt, but it doesn't make it any easier, or less.  It's always there.

So I fill my days so full that I don't have time to feel these feelings.  But guess what, they are still there.  And as soon as I am weak, they come crashing over me, trying to pull me under.

You've probably seen this quote in various forms on Pinterest or Facebook.  Every time I see it, it resonates with me.  Finishing a triathlon takes strength and endurance.  This picture of me smiling does not show the faces of frustration and exhaustion just minutes before as I tried to make it through the run with the winds in my face and the sun beating down on me.  You don't see pictures of the ugly, which makes it look like I'm much stronger than I really am.

Our posts on Facebook may make it seem like we are all doing well, but we are exhausted.  I am exhausted.  However I have crossed the line of every race I've ever started, and I don't plan on quitting now.  You may not see our ugly, but I can assure you, it is there.

Please continue to pray for our strength, because it needs to be renewed every day to even get out of bed.